Evolution
by Vilkacis
Summary: There's only so much people can change and only so much people can do...a story about Shizuru and Natsuki.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

They told me that the influence of the Obsidian Lord had poisoned me; that my actions for the previous weeks were because of the corrupting miasma he exuded. And that was the end of it. No more questions asked, no more concerns raised…no more anything. Everything was forgiven, just like that. 

Of course everyone acted as though the experience had changed us. That we had all become better people because of this ordeal. I know that is a lie though. Because I have not changed. I have not become a better person.

I still love her beyond reason. I still feel that sweet pain blossoming in my heart whenever I look at her. I remember the soft feel of her lips, the brush of her silky hair against my face, the feeling of her arms wrapped around me. Everything. Even if she has never since mentioned what happened that day between us. 

She has changed though. She smiles more easily, laughs more often and there is an air of confidence around her that's stronger than it ever was before. She has friends now. Other people she can be close to and laugh with, when before only I had that privilege. It shouldn't upset me, but it does.

I consigned myself to my old position. Natsuki's faithful friend and upperclassman. I even postponed going off to college so I could stay and help her with her remedial lessons. She did not like that, but I told her I had wanted to take a break from school anyway. The truth was I could not bear the thought of leaving her. 

Even though I know what lies in her heart, I cannot help myself. She could never love me the way I love her. She could never harbor the wretched feelings I have. She has smiled at me, held me…kissed me…but I will never be reflected in her eyes with the same light she is reflected in mine. 

Poisoning from the Obsidian Lord? The thought makes me want to laugh. No, it was an excuse for me to lose my self-control. To indulge myself in my desires. I am not so weak a person that I can be so easily controlled.

Everything I did to her, everything I said to her…everything was what I wanted. But it is better for Natsuki if she thinks that it was not of my own volition. That way she can pretend that nothing really ever happened.

So I smiled. I made up with the people I wanted to crush underneath my sandals. I laugh and tease and joke like I used to. But secretly, I'm afraid. I'm so very afraid, because I know eventually I will break again, and this time there will be no Obsidian Lord to blame my actions on.

I want to grab her and hold her so close I can feel her heart beating within her breasts. I want to kiss her, to smell her, to glide my hands along her soft skin. I want it so badly that it takes every ounce of self-control I have to keep myself in reign. 

It's because of this that I can't stay here anymore. The extra year at her side was more than I deserved. The sins of what I did, of the desires I indulged myself in, still plague me with guilt. Most of all I am angry at the pain I caused her.

My bags are packed. Everything is folded neatly within my suitcases and other boxes. The only thing left is the acceptance letter to the University I applied to. It sits on my desk, untouched and unopened, right next to the plane ticket to Kyoto. 

I should tell her I am going, but the thought of it frightens me. The idea of saying farewell. The finality of it all is something I don't think I'm capable of handling. Instead, I'll say goodbye in my heart.

Goodbye.


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1:**

Kuga Natsuki was not a morning person. So when the alarm clock on her nightstand rang with its annoying insistence that she ready herself for the coming day, she responded by flinging it clumsily across the room. There was blissful silence for seven minutes. Then the beeping started up again. Apparently the trip across the bedroom had not been a successful dismantling, and had only resulted in hitting the snooze button.

With a muffled curse, Natsuki kicked off the tangle of sheets and rolled out of bed. She then proceeded to stalk over to the alarm clock and punt it viciously across the room. That would teach the abominable machine. Staggering back into bed, Natsuki let her eyes close and was almost ready to drift back into a coma-like state when the beeping started up for a third time.

Alarm Clock : 363. Natsuki : 0. She was really going to throw the damned thing away one day…

Half an hour later, a grumpy Natsuki slammed the door shut to her apartment and slung her school bag over her shoulder. She then stopped as realization hit her on what day today actually was. Her graduation.

The ride to Fuuka Academy never seemed so long. Nor had the day with all the trivialities and trials of the ceremonies. Natsuki was never someone who took a huge liking to such events and would have probably attempted to skip out if she hadn't been violently threatened by Mai about the matter, saying that graduation only happened once.

Besides, today would probably be the last time she really saw Mai or the others. The events that had happened during her first year had drawn the members of the "HiMe Rangers" closer, but Natsuki sometimes had a nagging feeling that the bond was superficial at best; as though they all felt compelled to be friends from having survived such an ordeal.

She had quelled such thoughts at first though, ascribing them to her pessimistic attitude. Natsuki wasn't supposed to still think like that. And for her whole second year at Fuuka Gakuen, she had almost managed to convince herself that she had indeed changed for the better. Yet, then _she_ had disappeared.

The memory of it still made Natsuki angry. She had never said anything about it. Never even hinted that she was going anywhere. But then, two days before the start of her third year, Natsuki awoke to find an unmarked package by her door. Opening it had yielded the evil alarm clock and a note telling her to take care and not be late for class.

That was it. Two lines on a piece of paper inside a plain brown box and Fujino Shizuru had apparently thought that was enough for her to disappear from Natsuki's life. A year later, and it still hurt.

Natsuki's reverie was thankfully cut short by the close of the graduation ceremonies. She stood and bowed with the rest of her class and then let the remainder of the day passed by in a blur. She vaguely remembered saying goodbye to Mai, who was going to study at a university in Tokyo with Tate, and others too, but it all felt meaningless.

And at the end of the day, when Natsuki stood next to her motorcycle, diploma in hand, life had never seemed so hollow. Unlike others, she wasn't going off to continue her education. In fact, Natsuki wasn't even sure what exactly she was going to do. She had spent the majority of her last year trying to act like it didn't matter that Shizuru had left, and the rest of her time trying to figure out why Shizuru had left the way she had. Little time had been left to figure out the future.

Somehow, Natsuki found herself wandering away from where she had parked her bike and towards the school gardens. Particularly towards a certain patch of bushes with layered with pale, pink blossoms.

_"Flowers are meant to be loved…because they do their best to blossom for the duration of their short life…"_

Clenching her fist into a ball at her side, Natsuki fought back tears at the memory. It wasn't fair. For Shizuru to leave her like that without warning. If she had said goodbye, Natsuki could have managed. If she had told her beforehand, it would have been okay. But to just leave one day with only a stupid note…where was the justice in that?

Growling, Natsuki whirled around to leave…and froze as she found herself staring into a pair of crimson eyes.

---

It was only supposed to be one look. That was all she had wanted. One fleeting glimpse of Natsuki from afar. It was Natsuki's graduation after all, which was how Shizuru justified coming back to Fuuka Academy. One look would not hurt. Even if she had already said goodbye.

She should have known her own limitations though. Yet, as always Shizuru had convinced herself into thinking that she was in complete control. She never was though when it came to Natsuki. Saying she'd just have one glimpse was like an alcoholic saying that they'd only take one sip. It always became one more sip, followed by yet another until the whole bottle was finished. And then what was the harm in opening up another one?

Shizuru couldn't help but stare in longing from afar as she watched Natsuki go through the graduation ceremonies. All the emotions she had bottled up since she left came flooding out. The love, the pain, the hopelessness of her situation. It was pathetic, she thought after a moment. She hadn't changed at all.

On the surface, neither had Natsuki it seemed. She was still as beautiful as ever…and still as hopelessly unattainable as the moon. Though, to Shizuru's trained eye, Natsuki seemed more melancholy than she had a year ago. There was an air of solitude and dejection around her that seemed to grow with every minute, much like it had been when Shizuru first met Natsuki.

For one long, bittersweet moment, Shizuru let herself believe that Natsuki was sad because she had left. That Natsuki was hurt by the fact she was gone. That somehow, Shizuru had managed to leave a permanent mark on Natsuki's being. One that could never be erased. Yet, the moment passed and Shizuru was done with self-delusions. They only lead to pain.

She should have left the academy right then. It would have been wise. Her feet seemed to move on their own though, leading her around the campus, through nostalgic paths and familiar scenery. She ended up at the flower garden of all places. Shizuru could have laughed at the irony…instead she bit back tears. It was here that Natsuki had first stolen her heart, with nothing more than the quiet utterance of a name.

Shizuru wasn't sure how much time she spent idling around the flower garden. She only knew that the sun had begun to sink low in the horizon when she heard footsteps approaching. Instinctively, she had retreated off the path, not wanting to be seen by anyone. There were still people who would recognize her. People who would exchange greetings and ask questions that she did not want to answer.

Yet the person who walked past was Natsuki. Her Natsuki. Before Shizuru knew what was happening, she was moving forwards, out from her cover.

At that moment, Natsuki turned around. Their eyes met and Shizuru saw shock pass across Natsuki's features. She wondered how her own reaction was mirrored in Natsuki's mind and the thought frightened her.

"S-Shizuru…"

"Natsuki." Smile. That was all she needed to do now. Smile. As though the upwards curve of her lips was a lock on her emotions. "It has been a while, hasn't it?"

"Shizuru…." The smile flickered briefly. She loved hearing Natsuki say her name, the way it rolled off the other girl's tongue without the padding of honorifics.

"Congratulations on your graduation." Shizuru said, trying to lighten the situation. "I suppose this means I won't get to see you anymore in a cute…"

The rest of her words were lost as Natsuki suddenly flung her arms around Shizuru's neck. Eyes widening in surprise, Shizuru stood frozen in shock. Then slowly, her arms wrapped gently around Natsuki's body, holding her closer.

The smile was gone then, the lock shattered, and with the absence of it, came the tears. It was too much for her to handle. After being away from Natsuki so long, Shizuru could not bear all this contact. It was maddening. She wanted…she wanted…

Wiping the tears away discreetly, Shizuru pushed Natsuki back gently, her smile returning. Natsuki's face was a turmoil of emotion, confusion mixed with pain addled by happiness, but that only made Shizuru more determined. She was the older one, the more experienced one. She had to be strong when Natsuki could not.

"I'm sorry." It was all Shizuru could think to say.

"...why?" The question caught her off guard.

"…I caused you pain…"

"No. Not that. Why did you leave!"

And there it was. The question that Shizuru so desperately wanted to avoid. What could she say? She left because she was so hopelessly in love with Natsuki that being near her was unbearable? That she left because she was afraid that one day she would not be able to distinguish between her fantasies and reality and end up hurting Natsuki again? That she left because being constantly around someone she loved, yet could never have was a pain worse than death?

She evaded the question.

"To study at the University."


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 

"To study at the University."

Shizuru's words hung in the air between the two girls, almost resonating in the growing silence. The muscles of Natsuki's jaw tightened as she clenched her teeth together, trying to keep her temper in check. It would do no good to get angry. It never did with Shizuru. Rather, it had always seemed her anger just provoked the older girl.

"That's all?" Natsuki finally broke the silence. "That's the reason you just up and left without telling anyone? Without telling me?"

"Yes." Shizuru said. Her smile was gone now, but her face was still as blank and unreadable as ever. Natsuki hated that about Shizuru. How she could never know what the other girl was thinking. How while Shizuru could easily penetrate any defenses Natsuki could ever erect, her own defenses were as solid as concrete.

There was a whispering within Natsuki's mind then. Telling her that she should just leave things at that. That pushing Shizuru further, that prying deeper into the matter would only lead to ruin. That, if Natsuki continued, that box deep within her heart that she had been so desperately trying to hide away would open.

Natsuki had never really been one to heed words of caution though.

"Why are you always like this!" She exploded. She took two steps forward and grabbed Shizuru by the shoulders. "You left without even saying goodbye! You expect me to believe that the only reason was because you suddenly felt like going…"

Whatever Natsuki had intended to say was cut off at the sudden presence of Shizuru's lips against her own. It was a gentle kiss, just the barest brushing of their lips together, but a kiss nonetheless. Letting go of Shizuru, Natsuki stumbled backwards a few steps, her eyes wide in shock.

"S-Shizuru…"

"I love you, Natsuki. That is why I left." Shizuru said, the barest trace of a sad smile on her face.

The box was opened. The thing that Natsuki had so desperately tried to deny for the past two years was bared. The memories of what had happened between the two of them during the HiME Festival rose up again in her head, bringing with them a fresh wave of emotions.

Natsuki had known all along. The reason why Shizuru had left, the reason why she should have never stayed. Yet, she had tried so hard to find a different answer because she had not wanted to face it. She was the one who had driven Shizuru away. Because Obsidian Lord or no, Shizuru's feelings were still real and still so deep and powerful that Natsuki was frightened by it.

Love was scary. No matter what Mai may have said, no matter what anyone might say, Natsuki was terrified of the idea of love; the idea of harboring such deep emotions that seemed so volatile and irrational. She didn't even think she was capable of handling it.

So she had lied to herself, desperately tried to think of other reasons why Shizuru would have left that didn't involve such a sticky emotion as love. Deep down inside, she had hoped that Shizuru would have come up with some plausible lie that Natsuki could content herself with. It was pathetic really.

Because the truth was…the truth that she had finally realized was that she loved Shizuru too. Maybe not with the same depth and devotion, but somehow she knew that it was the same type of love. Different from the love that someone had for family or friends, it was the love that someone held for the one person they wanted more than anyone else, the one person who mattered above all.

"Shizuru…" Say it. That's all she needed to do. Explain it to Shizuru and then things would be okay, wouldn't they? "I…"

The words caught in her throat. Everything would change if she said it and there would be no turning back. Emotions jumbled inside Natsuki's head, making her mind spin. There were so many "ifs" and "buts." She couldn't…she had to…but…

In the end, the only thing Natsuki could do was stand there looking at Shizuru, tears welling in her green eyes.

---

Of course she had broken it, Shizuru realized then with complete certainty. She had done it again and this time there were would be no reprieve. Yet, she could not have stopped herself. Natsuki being so close after all this time…how could she have stopped herself?

Looking at Natsuki now, standing silently with tears in eyes, Shizuru felt a pang of guilt. She had hurt Natsuki again. Violated her and forced her feelings on her without thinking of the consequences.

Natsuki would know now, and she would not regret it when Shizuru left again. It was better this way. Or so Shizuru told herself in her head.

"Forgive me…" Shizuru said. She reached out a hand to wipe the tears away from Natsuki face, but then drew it back. No, her touch was unwanted. "I should not have done that."

There was no answer, and why should there be? Shizuru had known the answer before even having to ask the question. Natsuki could not love her. She had said as much two years ago, and even now, the reaction was almost exactly the same.

This time though, Shizuru would not lose control. She would give Natsuki finality and closure.

"I know that you cannot return my feelings, I know the love you have for me is not the same as I have for you." Shizuru said slowly, the words ripping their way out of her heart. "It is to be expected."

"Shizuru…" Natsuki began, but Shizuru pushed on. She already knew what Natsuki would say. That it was okay. That Natsuki was happy that Shizuru loved her, but…

"I thought it would be okay. For me to stay near you, to be close to you. But I was wrong." Shizuru explained. She had to say it now. She needed to say it now, even if it hurt. "A year ago, when I left, I was too afraid to talk to you. No, rather deep within my heart, I never wanted to leave. But I've changed now…I can say what I should have said then…

"Goodbye."

Shizuru gave Natsuki one final smile, and turned and walked away, wiping the tears from her own eyes. She heard Natsuki call her name, but she couldn't turn back. Not now, not ever again. This time was really the final farewell.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

In her dreams, Natsuki always chased after Shizuru. She would run and run, until her legs gave way, all the while yelling for Shizuru not to leave. In her dreams, Shizuru would turn around, with her usual smile and say that she would stay. In her dreams, Shizuru was still with her.

Dreams were not reality. Natsuki had come, with a bitter understanding, to accept this, even if it had taken six years. All the wishing in the world would never change what had happened. The time for false hopes and wanting were over. She had to grow up.

The phone on her desk rang suddenly, startling her. Fumbling on her desk and cursing, Natsuki rummaged through the stacks of papers and files, knocking things to the ground in search of the receiver. She found it on the fourth ring, buried under three legal pads and a handful of bills.

"Kuga." She barked into the phone. She sighed, and rubbed the back of her neck irritably. "Yes, Kuga Natsuki."

She stayed on the phone for at least ten minutes listening to the man on the other line explain his problem and jotting down various notes that she would probably inevitably lose later. When he was done, Natsuki hung up the phone and promptly buried her face into the mess on her desk.

She had been up since four, putting the finishing touches on a report she needed to turn in. Since then Natsuki hadn't been able to sleep at all. She didn't want to sleep. She hated dreaming. They were always the same dreams…always about…

Natsuki looked down at her desk in desperation. She needed to occupy herself. She needed to keep busy.

The potential client, Takasuka Akito, had just moved to Tokyo a few months ago with his family. There had been some sort of scandal involving tax fraud with the previous CEO of his company and having been appointed the successor, Takasuka wanted to make sure that the remainder of the accounting staff for his company was squeaky clean. He said he'd bring over their initial personnel files later today so she could begin doing extensive background checks.

It sounded like a boring job, but work was work. As long as it paid the bills, it was good. If nothing else, it kept her busy and free from indulging in useless thinking. She didn't need to think anymore. All she needed to do was keep moving forward. It was for the best.

After all, she was damned lucky to even have this job. For three months after her graduation, Natsuki had been a complete mess. She had spent every day cursing herself and wondering why she couldn't just get the nerve to go after…

Shaking her head, Natsuki stopped that thought as well. She wasn't going to think about it anymore. Her life was good now. Or at least far better than it could be. Sakomizu had been more than kind when he had told her to look up his friend Kirishima for a job and even bought Natsuki the train ticket to Tokyo.

As it turned out, Kirishima was an old detective, nearly 60, who laughed too little, smoked too much and was in desperate need of an extra hand. He was good at his job though, which had earned him his reputation as one of the best private detectives in the city. He hadn't cared that Natsuki was only eighteen and just out of high school, or even that she was a girl.

"Get me some damned cigarettes and be quick about it," was the only thing he had said when she had first walked into his office. Natsuki had liked the grumpy old bastard. He had a no-nonsense way about him that had suited her just fine. For three years after that, she had worked for him, doing errands and helping him with cases until he had finally decided to retire to Hokkaido.

He had left the agency in her hands, telling her that even if she was still a brat, she should do well enough on her own. Since she had earned her Private Investigator's license, he had left most of the cases up to her anyway.

Shaking herself out of her reverie, Natsuki realized suddenly that her office was a complete and utter mess. Kirishima had never cared about the state of his office, but she didn't have his reputation and needed to make a somewhat good impression. Takasuka was a wealthy businessman after all, and she did need the money. If he liked her well enough, he'd hire her again if his business needed other matters investigated. The phone rang again, giving Natsuki an excuse to put off thinking about cleaning up.

"Kuga." Two minutes later she hung up the phone, feeling quite pleased. Something had come up so Takasuka wouldn't be making it. He did however give her directions to where his home was and said she could stop by to pick up the personnel files. Not only did that mean she had a good excuse to leave the office, it meant she didn't have to clean.

Life was good. And if she told herself that enough times, Natsuki was sure that she'd eventually believe it.

---

People did not change. It might have taken Shizuru six years to realize this, but she finally had, accepted that she would never stop loving Natsuki. She could however, act out living a life in an illusion of perfect happiness.

Well it wasn't completely an illusion. Shizuru was happy with her life. She was happy with the façade she had almost effortless created. She happy with the fact that no one could see beyond the smile she wore. She was happy that she'd pushed every thought of Kuga Natsuki out of her mind. Until the day she read Natsuki's name in the newspaper.

Shizuru never really read the news. Nor did she watch the television or do anything of the like. She had moved to Tokyo at the will of her family. Yet the paper had been left out on the counter one day and as she picked it up to put it away, she had seen those five characters of Natsuki's name.

Shizuru hadn't been able to stop herself from reading the rest. Natsuki was apparently a detective now. The article wasn't anything big. Just a spotlight on the young, female detective who had taken over some reputed agency. She read the article five times. When she was done, she cut it out carefully and folded it neatly and hid it in her desk drawer.

After that, Shizuru had vowed once more to not think of Natsuki. She had other obligations to fulfill now. Other duties that took precedence over her twisted desires. Or so she kept telling herself.

Yet here she was, walking in front of the Kirishima Detective Agency. Or rather, not walking anymore but standing and staring. Shizuru felt her heart flutter in her chest when the door opened. She inhaled slowly, telling herself to calm down. Then Natsuki walked out and the world faded around her.

It was Natsuki. An older, matured Natsuki. But it was still Natsuki. Her body may have become older, her face more refined, but Shizuru could recognize that petulant frown anywhere. Insanity was slowly seeping in. A mad desire to walk across the street and pull Natsuki close and never let her go. Shizuru could feel her self-control slipping.

She forced her eyes closed. Slowly, Shizuru felt the world solidify around her. She had said goodbye. She had meant it. She would not…could not hurt Natsuki anymore with her feelings. She would stay in control. There was no other option. No other choice.

So Shizuru walked slowly back towards the car waiting for her. She made sure to not be seen by Natsuki who rode away on her motorbike. Shizuru put her smile back on her face. Reigned in all her desires, and rode back to her house in perfect stillness.

When she was there, she got out of her car and walked in back of the house to the gardens. Shizuru could find her solace there, amongst the flowers that bloomed beautifully in such a nice spring. A servant brought her a cup of tea and she sipped at it, no different than any other day.

An hour later, Shizuru had not moved from her seat in the garden except to set the empty teacup down on the table next to her. She was perfectly fine. That's what she told herself and that is what she believed. After all, there was no room for mistakes in her behavior now.

The door of the garden burst open and the intruder flung herself directly towards the chair Shizuru was sitting. Caught up in the embrace, Shizuru smiled and patted the girl's head softly.

"How was the zoo? Did you behave?" Shizuru asked.

"Uh huh! It was fun! I saw the bears and the kitties and the pandas." The girl said, squirming around so that she was looking up at Shizuru. "Next time you should come too Mommy!"

"Yes, of course." Shizuru hugged her daughter closer. "Of course I'll come."


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

The meeting with Takasuka had gone well enough. Natsuki hadn't particularly cared for his overly enthusiastic personality, nor the way his smile never seemed to reach his eyes. Yet his money was good and the instructions he had given her were clear and concise enough to warrant a rather easy job. After the exact details of her job and payment were worked out, she had left his home with the personnel files tucked neatly away in her briefcase and a small smile on her own face. The rest of her day was clear, which meant she could go home and get some rest.

At least that's what she thought until she stopped at a red light five blocks down the road. She was sitting casually, waiting for the lights to change when her gaze happened to stray from the pavement in front of her to the sidewalk on the other side of the road. That was when she saw her.

To a stranger, there was nothing of particular note about the woman Natsuki saw. She was in her mid-twenties, her long brown hair pulled up neatly into a bun, wearing a long beige skirt and a rose-colored blouse. She might have carried herself with a particularly high level of poise and grace, yet there was nothing really to distinguish her from any other woman in such a rich neighborhood of Tokyo. Except to Kuga Natsuki.

At first Natsuki thought she was going mad. That all those dreams and fantasies had somehow evolved into full-blown delusions. Yet, could a fantasy ever be so vivid? In her dreams, Shizuru always looked the same, never aging a day. The woman standing there was visibly older. She must have sat in confusion for a full minute debating. It wasn't until the woman's head turned, that Natsuki knew that it couldn't be anyone else. No matter how many years passed, Natsuki would always know those crimson eyes. Red orbs so vivid and deep that one could drown in their depths; eyes that pierced straight into her soul, stripped her of her defenses and bared her heart.

Ignoring the light, the traffic and whatever other obstacles might be in the way, Natsuki revved up the engine of her bike and did a full 180 in the middle of the street, narrowly missing a pedestrian and a rather expensive looking sedan. Natsuki didn't hear the curses of angry drivers or the screech of horns. All she saw was Shizuru.

Natsuki came to a skidding stop on the sidewalk and leapt off the bike. Yanking her helmet off her head, she carelessly tossed it aside as she stood finally, after six years, in front of Fujino Shizuru.

"Shizuru…" It was all she could say. Her mind was a jumble of emotions and thoughts. Despite having dreamt of this moment for six years, despite having speeches ready and heartfelt confessions memorized, it was all Natsuki could do to say Shizuru's name.

"N-Natsuki…" It was rare to hear Shizuru sound so shocked. The older woman's eyes were wide with surprise and, to Natsuki's confusion, what looked like fear. "W-what…"

Natsuki realized then that they were attracting quite a crowd. Mentally, she cursed herself for her brashness. People had stopped to stare, wide-eyed at the motorcycle that was now blocking the sidewalk and the crazed-looking, blue-haired woman who had leapt off of it.

"Come with me," Natsuki said, ignoring the looks. "We have to talk."

"Natsuki. It's been a while hasn't it. What are you doing in this area?" Whatever walls Natsuki had knocked down with her sudden appearance, Shizuru had repaired already. The look of shock was gone from her face, replaced with the usual, smiling, unreadable expression.

"Shizuru…we have to talk." Natsuki said again, stubbornly.

"Could it wait until later perhaps?" Shizuru asked, the smile frozen on her face. "You caught me at a rather inconvenient time."

"No." Natsuki gave up and grabbed Shizuru by the arm and tried pulling her towards the bike. However, the Kyoto woman was quite a bit stronger than she seemed and stood firmly in place.

"Another time." Shizuru's voice had a clipped edge to it. Natsuki ignored it.

"Either you come with me now, or I follow you for the remainder of the day." Natsuki growled impatiently. Before, she might have faltered and let Shizuru go. But Natsuki had not spent six years wondering over what might have been and what could have been and thinking about all the things she could not say to let this moment pass. The fear flickered briefly again on Shizuru's features; so quickly that a normal person might never have noticed it.

"I suppose, I could spare a few minutes." Natsuki smiled grimly and righted her bike. She then picked up her discarded helmet and offered it to Shizuru.

"Get on then."

--------

It was complete madness, Shizuru thought, staring dimly at the offered helmet. Everything she had so carefully planned and decided was now resting hazardously on a chance encounter on her way back from the post office. Of course she only had herself to blame.

She had known Natsuki was in Tokyo. She had known it was dangerous, yet she had reassured herself to the very slim likeliness that she would ever see her in this vast city. Of course, Shizuru knew, with a larger measure of guilt, there had been something so enticingly appealing about being so close to Natsuki that she would have come up with any excuse to live there.

At the moment though, she had no time to sit dumbly in shock at how Natsuki had quite literally flown out of nowhere. She needed to get far, far away from her home before Natsuki found out anything. Because, despite having told herself for five years that what she was doing was perfectly okay, deep within Shizuru's heart, she desperately wanted to keep Natsuki oblivious to everything that had happened. And even deeper still, was a curiosity as to Natsuki's insistency that they talk. She took the helmet with a gracious, perfect smile.

She thought the drive to Natsuki's apartment would drive her insane. Six years should have dulled her desires. Six years should have been more than enough time for Shizuru to contain herself. Yet, all her wants, all her aching, all her love seemed to swell up again as she sat, pressed close to Natsuki on the seat of the motorcycle. Shizuru closed her eyes tightly and wound her arms around Natsuki's waist. It would just be this once, after all, wouldn't it?

She barely heard what Natsuki said to her when they arrived at a dingy apartment complex somewhere east of Shibuya. All she knew was that, against all sound reason and judgment, she followed Natsuki up to her apartment. It was when the door slammed shut, and Natsuki faced her that the haze of what had seemed like a dream began to clear.

It was really Natsuki standing there. It was not a dream. There was a world outside that did not permit Shizuru to act carelessly or indulge in whatever fantasies she might have. Shizuru was still a pawn in a greater game. She needed to act.

"What a surprise to see you." Shizuru said, her smile brightening. "It's been so long-"

"Don't do this," Natsuki interrupted, impatiently. She made as if to take a step closer, then stopped. "Don't play games with me. I didn't bring you here for that."

"Then what was it for?" Shizuru asked, the smile not leaving. She was suddenly afraid. Terribly, terribly afraid of what Natsuki would say.

"Six years ago…you left me again and told me goodbye and you didn't wait even a damned minute to listen to what I had to say." Natsuki was angry. Her green eyes seemed to rage at the memory, lashing at Shizuru with all their fury. Shizuru felt her smile slip slightly at the memory.

What had there been to wait for? To hear the same thing pass over Natsuki's lips? To hear the rejection, padded with heartfelt apologies and sincere regret that Natsuki could never ever love Shizuru the same way? She had heard it before.

"There was no reason for me to stay." Shizuru said, looking away. "I already knew what you would say. You said the same thing before, during the Festival."

"It wouldn't have been the same thing." Natsuki said quietly, her voice sounding strange.

Shizuru blinked and looked back, confused. There was something in Natsuki's eyes that she hadn't seen before. She had seen happiness, hatred, anger, compassion; she had seen a hundred emotions reflected before in Natsuki's eyes, yet never this one. It looked like-

"I would have told you I loved you." Natsuki said, her face turning red as she averted her eyes, embarrassed. "That I wanted to be with you. That being away from you that year had been the hardest time in my life."

"I…" Shizuru was completely at a loss of what to say.

"I was too confused then to chase after you. To tell you that. I worried that I didn't know what love was. That I didn't know whether or not I could love you in the same capacity you seemed to love me. All I knew is that when you were gone, I felt so empty. And when I saw you again…"

No. No. No. This could not be happening. This was not happening.

"I knew that I wanted you with me."

"No." The word ripped out of Shizuru, her voice raw and hoarse. "Don't say these things."

"Shizuru?"

"This is my fault," Shizuru said slowly, regaining her composure a bit. When she had left Natsuki before, she had secretly hoped to leave some mark on Natsuki with her departure. That Natsuki would feel pain at her disappearance, that Natsuki would want her back. She had been a fool. Whatever Natsuki was saying now, it wasn't true feelings. They weren't from the heart. They were just the backlash of Shizuru's actions. After all, people never really changed.

Knowing that hurt more than when Natsuki simply rejected her.

"Shizuru…"

"The way I love you is wrong." Shizuru said softly, her eyes not meeting Natsuki.

"It's not-" Natsuki interjected, but Shizuru cut her off.

"I want to hold you, to kiss you. When I look at you, I want to caress every inch of your skin. It pains me to be so close to you, without being able to hold you, to taste you…" A twisted smile crept onto Shizuru's face. "Can you ever say the same thing about me?"

The look on Natsuki's face was, as Shizuru expected, shock. After all, Natsuki was still pure, so much unlike herself. She had to kill whatever Natsuki was feeling, whatever Natsuki thought she might feel…because the truth was, no matter how much Shizuru wanted to hear these things, no matter how much she had dreamed of them, this was all five years too late.

"I think it's best I go now." Shizuru said after a few moments of silence passed. "I am sorry we met like this. I intended for us to never meet again. At least now I hope you are able to continue living knowing that your feelings are not the same warped ones as mine."

"Shizuru…" Natsuki said softly. Shizuru merely smiled at her, then turned to go. She made it a step towards the door. Then Natsuki grabbed her by the arm and spun her around and Shizuru did not have even a second to think about what was happening before she felt soft, warm lips pressed awkwardly against her own. After a minute, Natsuki pulled away, her lips curved up into a soft smile. "Idiot."

Then Natsuki leaned in again and Fujino Shizuru was irrevocably lost.


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Natsuki hadn't exactly gone into her apartment with a set plan on what to do. In fact, she was still as confused and lost as ever. She had spoken passionately before on the side of the road, but it had mostly been a mixture of shock and built up frustration pouring out. She was still confused, still frustrated and still as clueless as ever as to what she wanted. The only thing she did know was that she didn't want Shizuru to leave before she had a chance to find out.

So they had stood in awkward silence until Shizuru had finally spoken and acted like nothing had happened. The casual way she greeted Natsuki; the calm, smiling expression on her face; it had been infuriating to the point of madness.

Natsuki had simply started talking then, though she never remembered thinking about what she should say. Her mouth had simply opened and the words had come tumbling out without check. When she had heard some of them, she was sure her face would turn crimson. What was she saying? It was as if all her stupid dreams and fantasies about her confession had simply decided to embody themselves finally in the real world. Yet there was no happy ending to be had.

There was no rain of sakura blossoms on the gentle wind, complete with a disgustingly sappy violin piece playing in the background as Shizuru smiled and said that she'd never leave Natsuki again. Instead, it was like Natsuki's worse nightmare. Everything Shizuru said was as though she was reading from the nagging doubts in Natsuki's mind that had always held her back. Each word pierced Natsuki's heart and the confidence that she might really love Shizuru had crumbled accordingly.

She hadn't been able to say anything in return. It was true, she wasn't sure what exactly love was. Natsuki had always been confused as to the matter of love. She had rejected Shizuru during the HiME festival because the very thought of love made her grimace. It seemed so overwhelming and consuming. It terrified her even now.

She tried to protest but the words seemed to catch in her throat. Whatever arguments she could make seemed so hollow compared to what Shizuru was saying. It wasn't until Shizuru turned to go that Natsuki felt something jar within her.

Shizuru was leaving her again. Shizuru was going to walk out of that door and after that, Natsuki would be left again with all her regrets and wonderings about what she really felt and this time, there would be no reprieve.

She'd lose Shizuru again. Her Shizuru. Elegant, refined and beautiful Fujino Shizuru, the idol of Fuuka Academy who had never considered herself above Natsuki's company. Shizuru who had reached out to Natsuki when there had been no one else. Shizuru who comforted her, laughed with her and teased her so that Natsuki felt like an actual normal human being…Shizuru who had loved Natsuki so much that she'd been willing to sacrifice the world for her.

To hell with it. Natsuki didn't care anymore if she didn't know what exactly love was. She didn't care if there was even a hint of truth in what Shizuru had argued. All she knew was that she'd be damned if she let Shizuru leave before they had a chance to find out. It was a risky throw of the dice, but Natsuki was willing because trying and knowing couldn't be any worse than the past six years she had spent wondering.

So she had moved forward, grabbed Shizuru and their lips had met in an awkward kiss, much like it had eight years ago during the Festival. Except this time, it wasn't a gesture of apology. It was a gamble.

When their lips had parted, Natsuki knew her answer. Perhaps she still didn't know what love truly was, but what she did know was that the feeling of Shizuru in her arms gave her a sense of security and peace that she never felt with anyone else. She knew that holding Shizuru against her, listening to the older girl's heart beat and seeing the vivid shock in those gorgeous crimson eyes was something that made her own heart race with feelings she hadn't ever felt before.

Her mind remembered briefly what Shizuru had said not a minute earlier about Natsuki not sharing the same warped feelings she had herself. How Natsuki would be better off without Shizuru in her life and that they should never meet again. The thought made her want to laugh now.

"Idiot…" Natsuki whispered, as she leaned in to steal another kiss. The feeling of Shizuru's cool, firm lips beneath her own sent shivers through Natsuki's body. She wrapped her arms around the older woman, pulling her tighter. Yes, Natsuki decided with a soft smile, she could definitely take a wild chance on this thing called love.

--------

Shizuru did not return home until early the next morning, only an hour after dawn. It was still early enough so that her daughter was not up. Waiting for her in the chair by the door however, was Akito. There was a weary look on his face, and it was apparent that he had been up the whole night, from the rumpled suit he wore.

"Shizuru-san…where have you been? I was about to call the police." Despite his usual calm and pleasant demeanor, she could hear the irritation and anger in his voice.

_She could not have stopped herself if she had wanted to; the force drawing them together was too great. Clothes littered the floor of Natsuki's apartment as they made their way towards the bedroom._

"I was taking care of an errand. It ran longer than I expected. Forgive me." Shizuru smiled evenly at her brother-in-law, her expression calm and composed. He frowned at her, his mouth opening several times before he finally settled on something to say.

"You are going back to Kyoto today, I assume?"

_It was everything she had ever wanted. Everything she had desired, finally within her grasp. She could not stop herself. Her lips and fingers roamed their way freely across Natsuki's body, tasting and teasing. She was drunk on the sensation._

"No, I think not. I promised Hana I would take her to the zoo." Akito stood up suddenly, disbelief clear on his face. Shizuru met his gaze, unflinching, watching as his jaw clenched tightly together as he tried to keep his anger in check.

"It is the anniversary of his death! At the very least, Hana should go and pay her respects and you of all people should be there. You were his wife!"

_More. She wanted more. She loved the way Natsuki felt; the sensation of the younger woman's body pressed against her, the way Natsuki would arch into her. She loved every sound Natsuki made; the moans, the cries, the gasps. Yet none of it seemed to fill the hunger within her._

"My daughter's affairs are none of your concern. Nor are my affairs for that matter." The smile was still on her face, but there was a bite of steel underneath her words causing Akito to flinch briefly. Yet his horror that Shizuru was not visiting her husband's grave on the anniversary of his death seemed to out-weight whatever hesitation he felt.

"Your disrespect for Jun is appalling. Is this the way you repay him for his kindness?"

_She had lost all sense of time, all sense of place. Even after Natsuki had fallen asleep, she stayed awake, her fingers playing with the silky dark strands of the other woman's hair, telling herself it would just be one more minute. Yet it was not until she saw the first rays of light in the window that she rose to leave._

"Jun was a kind man," Shizuru said softly, guilt flickering through her eyes. It was gone almost as soon as it appeared though. She held no love for the man she had married and felt little grief over his death. "So kind, I do not think he would wish for his daughter to travel so far just to light incense at his grave. He was never one to dwell on his grief. Do you not agree, Akito-san?"

Akito opened his mouth several times as though to rebut her, and then shut it finally. Shizuru watched as he finally turned on heel to leave her, stalking angrily away. She had never so openly opposed Akito before, and she wondered briefly if she had made a mistake. Usually her fights were subtler and more carefully picked. The game she played with him was dangerous, after all.

Yet, at the moment, the only thing on Shizuru's mind was Natsuki. The game could shatter into a thousand pieces for all she cared. Somewhere in her mind, Shizuru could feel herself falling. She knew that whatever happiness she felt now was a thin mask for her inevitable demise. She could not stop herself though. People never changed after all.


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

"You could stay longer you know," Natsuki commented, watching Shizuru dress in the darkness of her bedroom. Shizuru turned around, surprise flickering across her face as she noticed Natsuki was not sleeping. She recovered quickly enough and favored Natsuki with one of her usual smiles.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," Shizuru apologized softly, pulling her hair up into a neat bun. She evaded the issue of staying so effortlessly, Natsuki nearly forgot that she had mentioned it. Nearly. Instead of pursuing the matters though, the detective chose to let things drop. Though Shizuru could seem accommodating and gentle, the truth was she was more stubborn than anyone Natsuki had ever met before. Shizuru generally was known to say the same thing about Natsuki though, as they often found while arguing over what to eat for dinner.

"You didn't wake me, I just couldn't fall asleep," Natsuki explained. She sat up and stretched a little, then realized she was still naked. Blushing, she pulled a sheet up to cover herself. "You always leave when I'm sleeping."

"I never wish to wake you," Shizuru came over and sat on the edge of the bed next to Natsuki. Gently, she reached over and brushed some of the hair out of Natsuki's face. "Besides, you look adorable while sleeping. Even if you do snore."

"I do not snore." Natsuki retorted hotly, as she flushed and turned her face away. Shizuru laughed softly, her hand cupping Natsuki's face as her fingers gently brushed the side of Natsuki's cheek. Despite how familiar it was now, even that simple touch caused the younger woman to shiver slightly.

It had been three months since the start of their…Natsuki wasn't quite sure what to label their relationship as. All she knew was that twice a week Shizuru would show up at her apartment in the evening. Most of the time, she would drag Natsuki out to eat what the Kyoto woman referred to as a proper meal. Afterwards they would return to her apartment where they would talk or sometimes just sit in comfortable silence. Eventually, Shizuru would lead Natsuki to the bedroom, both of them surrendering completely to their desires.

Shizuru was always gone by morning. The first few times she had left an elegantly written note saying she would be in touch, and then it simply became a habit. Natsuki was never privy to information regarding where Shizuru went. Sometimes, Natsuki thought to use her connections and look up information on the other woman, but it had seemed such a breech of privacy that she didn't dare to. Lately though, she found herself more and more curious.

"Shizuru-" Natsuki began, but she was cut off when Shizuru's soft lips covered her own. There was a smoldering look in those crimson eyes that Natsuki recognized all too well. Helpless, Natsuki relinquished herself to the other woman's touch, her eyes fluttering closed as she gave into the sensations.

She awoke several hours later to an empty apartment. Natsuki sighed and lay in the rumpled bed, staring at the ceiling of her apartment. Her sheets still smelled like Shizuru. Closing her eyes, she thought about the past three months. It had all seemed so hazy, like a myriad of dreams so intermixed with reality that she could not say where one began and the other stopped. Recently though, it seemed as though reality intruded more and more into their fantasy.

The more Natsuki tried to pry about Shizuru, the more evasive the older woman became. The more evasive Shizuru became, the more curious Natsuki was. Natsuki tried her best to respect Shizuru's privacy, but it seemed to her that the Kyoto woman was hiding something from her. Groaning, Natsuki decided to get to work and stop dwelling on things out of her control.

The plan to not dwell on Shizuru failed miserably. An hour later, she was sitting in her office staring at the contents of a plain manila envelope that had been mailed to her by Takasuka Akito. It was a request for another job. He had liked the precise, thorough job she had done before with his background checks and now he was requesting that she investigate someone else. The name on the request glared at her, as though it meant to burn her with its image.

Fujino Shizuru.

Muttering a curse, Natsuki reached for the phone.

----

It had been three months, Shizuru reflected with a frown as she stared at the calendar on her wall. That was two months and three weeks longer than she had intended. Yet, how could she stop herself? Every time she opened her mouth to say something to Natsuki, those green eyes would look at her curiously and Shizuru would forget what she had been thinking.

She couldn't concentrate around Natsuki. All she could see was the curve of Natsuki's neck. All she could feel were the silky strands of Natsuki's hair. All she could taste was the warm sweetness of Natsuki's mouth. It took all her self-control to bring some normality to their relationship, instead of simply pushing the other woman into her bedroom the minute she arrived.

She had thought that once she had Natsuki, the feelings would damper over time. She had thought it would have been easier to control. But instead it seemed to make it worse. An addiction was never cured by feeding it, and lately it was getting harder to return home. It needed to stop. Yet the idea of ending it made Shizuru ill.

"Mommy? What's the matter?" Startled, Shizuru looked at the doorway of her room and saw that Hana was standing there, a curious look on the young girl's face. She looked more like Jun as she grew older, Shizuru noticed. Her hair was the same jet-black as his, and her face resembled his too. She even had the same goofy smile. She had Shizuru's eyes though.

"It's nothing. How was school?" Hana tilted her head for a moment, as though she wanted to question further, but chose to answer enthusiastically. She babbled for several minutes about her teacher and her schoolmates. Shizuru smiled and listened to it all, then walked over, picked Hana up and hugged her tightly.

"Mommy?" Hana sounded confused, but Shizuru simply kissed her girl on the top of her head and held her for a few more moments. Hana was the only thing holding her back from giving up everything to be with Natsuki, and Hana was the one thing Shizuru would never sacrifice. Not for anyone.

"Never fall in love," Shizuru murmured softly into Hana's hair before she let the girl down. It seemed a sad thing to tell a five-year-old girl, but it was the safest advice Shizuru could give her.

"But I already love you Mommy," Hana said, looking puzzled. Shizuru smiled and kissed Hana on the forehead.

"I love you too." Shizuru smiled and made her decision. There was no way she could be with Natsuki. The Takasuka Clan would never permit it. They would call Shizuru an unfit mother and while she may be able to fight them, the damage it would do to Hana was something she would not risk. Not even for Natsuki. She had already risked too much as it was. "Uncle Akito is coming tonight to watch you. I'll be back though before you leave for school."

She chose to walk to Natsuki's apartment that night, using the time to strengthen her resolve. She would have to be cruel. She would have to hurt Natsuki as much as she possibly could so that there would be no regrets for her. Natsuki was stronger than she was. Shizuru was sure Natsuki would be able to move on eventually. It would be better for her.

Surprisingly, she found Natsuki waiting outside, a strange expression on the dark-haired woman's face. Natsuki was sitting on the steps outside her apartment, her motorcycle helmet in her lap, staring out in the street in a daze. She didn't seem to notice as Shizuru walked up.

"Natsuki?" Shizuru approached, concerned. Natsuki's head jerked up in surprsie, then recognizing Shizuru, she looked away. "Natsuki? Is something wrong?"

"Shizuru…" Natsuki's voice sounded strained. Shizuru laid a hand on Natsuki's shoulder, but the other woman flinched and pulled away. Natsuki stood up then, and reached into the briefcase resting next to her. She pulled out two folded pieces of paper. Unfolding them, she thrust them at Shizuru.

Slowly, Shizuru reached over and took the papers, then nearly dropped them. They were photocopies. One was of a marriage certificate and the other was a birth certificate. Shizuru's name was printed clearly on each.

"Can you explain these to me?"


	8. Chapter 7

(Thanks to everyone for the comments; going into the final stretches. Not 100 satisfied with the way this chapter ends but...hopefully I'll have a finished fic soon. My goal is before Otome ends, Cheers - Ashara)

**Chapter 7**

"There seems to be no need for an explanation." Shizuru folded the papers neatly and held them out to Natsuki, her face expressionless. The barriers Shizuru kept around her were as perfect as always. Natsuki fought the urge to slap her.

"You have got to be kidding me," Natsuki growled, snatching the papers back. She unfolded them again and held them in front of Shizuru's face. The Kyoto woman did not so much as blink. "Marriage! A kid! When did you plan on telling me any of this?"

Shizuru didn't say anything. At least she wasn't smiling, Natsuki decided grimly. They spent long moments in silence, staring at each other not moving. The papers in Natsuki's hand began to crumple from her white-knuckled grip on it.

She had spent the past three days in a dazed sort of shock, reading and rereading the papers. She had almost contemplated not bringing it up in fear of the answer she would receive. Except now there were no answers, just Shizuru's cool gaze and blank face.

"Why aren't you saying anything!" Natsuki growled, feeling a madness growing inside of her. They stood in silence for a few minutes, the air around them thick with tension.

"There is nothing to say," Shizuru finally answered, her voice tight. "It is all true. I married Takasuka Jun five and a half years ago and bore him a child."

"Why…didn't you…" Natsuki could barely form the words.

"Why didn't I tell you? You never asked." Shizuru sounded almost amused. She smiled then, an ugly smile that made Natsuki furious. "Then I suppose you needn't ask when you can simply acquire the information yourself."

Natsuki's hand flew through the air, stopping a millimeter away from Shizuru's cheek. She ground her teeth, trying to control her anger. Natsuki couldn't even say why she was so angry. The fact that Shizuru's words rang true or the fact that the Kyoto woman was being so damned infuriating. It was like Shizuru was trying to piss her off.

"Are you going to hit me?" Cool red eyes met Natsuki's angry green ones.

"No," she said hoarsely. Natsuki clenched the hand that still hovered next to Shizuru's face, trying to control her temper. Slowly, she pulled back the hand.

"Then what are you going to do?"

Natsuki moved on instinct, not aware of what she was doing until she was doing it. She reached over and hooked her hand around the back of Shizuru's neck and jerked the other woman forward. With a small satisfaction, Natsuki noticed shock flicker through Shizuru's expression. Then Natsuki was kissing Shizuru with an almost angry, violent passion. Her other arm wrapped itself around Shizuru's waist, pulling her closer still. There was a moment's resistance, and then Shizuru was kissing her back with an almost equal fury.

They somehow made their way up to Natsuki's apartment, their clothes making a trail from the door to the bed. They fell into a heap on the bed and Natsuki arched upwards against Shizuru, her nails digging into the other woman's back. Her lips found Shizuru's neck, and she kissed the skin there violently, marking it with her teeth. Shizuru moaned, the sound only inciting Natsuki who bit down harder. Dimly, in the back of Natsuki's mind, she realized that reality had disappeared once more.

Afterwards, as they lay holding each other, Natsuki listened to the sound of Shizuru's breathing. Her hand rested gently on the other woman's chest, feeling it rise and fall. Natsuki closed her eyes. Part of her was tempted to go to sleep, to forget everything that had happened and just go back to the way things were. Yet, Natsuki could not bring herself to that level of self-delusion.

"What are we going to do now?" Natsuki asked finally, unable to keep silent. She felt Shizuru stiffen and pull back slightly.

"_We_ are doing nothing."

------

Shizuru left Natsuki's apartment, in a state of disorientation. Natsuki had argued with her violently of course, using a wide variety of expletives, some of which Shizuru had never heard before. Shizuru had ignored her for the most part, instead berating herself thoroughly for losing her control. The truth was that no matter what Natsuki argued, it was not her battle to fight. Nor was it her problem.

"You know what your problem is, Shizuru? You don't trust anyone but yourself to handle anything! You can't live like that," were Natsuki's last words before she had stormed out of her own apartment angrily. Shizuru had watched Natsuki's retreating back, unsure of how things had ended up that way.

She was supposed to be ending things, yet there had been no time to explain to Natsuki why she simply could not be with her. Instead they had fought about…Shizuru wasn't even sure of what. Hana? The marriage? Why Shizuru never trusted Natsuki with anything? None of it made any sense to her. Those were not the points that were of importance.

By the time Shizuru returned home, it was nearly midnight. Akito was still up, regarding her with mild surprise as she entered.

"You are home early for a Thursday, Shizuru-san," Akito said, his voice bitter.

"I did not realize that I had a set schedule," Shizuru said coldly. "How was Hana tonight?"

"She's sleeping, I put her to bed a few hours ago." Akito hesitated a moment, then began to talk again. "Shizuru-san, I am warning you. A woman of the Takasuka household should not be cavorting around the city at all hours of the night. You are a mother at that. It is improper."

"It is a good thing that I am a Fujino then, not a Takasuka," Shizuru said with a faint smile. Akito's face reddened.

"Do you wish to bring shame upon your child? I will not allow it. That is my brother's daughter!"

"It is also my daughter. I do not believe you have any rights over her."

"How dare you speak to me like this!"

"No Akito-san," Shizuru said softly. She knew that this was madness, yet she could not stop herself. "How dare you speak to me this way? I am the eldest daughter of the head of the Fujino family. The Takasuka Corporation relies heavily on investments from my family, does it not?"

"Your father put you within my car after Jun died!" Akito shouted, slamming his fist into the table. "And if you honestly believe that I am going to leave the only daughter of my brother with a woman like you, you are mad!"

They stood in silence then, both of them staring at each other, neither giving an inch. Finally Akito took a few deep breaths and stood up.

"I apologize for losing my temper," he said stiffly, before storming out. Shizuru watched him leave and sighed. She then walked slowly up the stairs to Hana's room. Silently, she sat next to her daughter's bed, her hand gently brushing hair out of the little girl's face.

She had spoken confidently back then, yet if things came down to it, Shizuru was not so sure about the backing of her own family…especially if they were to learn about Natsuki. With the Fujino Corporation behind her, she would be confident in winning should Akito fight with her for custody of the child, yet…

Natsuki could help her. The thought flickered into Shizuru's head before she realized it. She banished the thought immediately. It was not Natsuki's problem, not her burden to bear.

Shizuru closed her eyes. In her mind she could see Natsuki's hand outstretched before her, hear Natsuki's voice saying "trust me," feel Natsuki's embrace. It was tempting. Very tempting.


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

"So, uh, what's this number?" Natsuki asked awkwardly, tapping her finger against the large glossy picture book that was lying on the walkway of the gardens.

"Three!" Hana announced proudly, giving Natsuki a toothy grin. Natsuki nodded and cracked a weak smile. She had never been good with kids, and this was not just any child. She moved her finger lower and pointed to another number and after some deliberation, Hana answered excitedly.

They continued the game for a few more minutes until the little girl became bored and decided she wanted to play house. Natsuki nodded helplessly, vaguely confused at the entire situation. She had expected Shizuru's child to be…well a smaller version of Shizuru. In fact, in Natsuki's head during the ride over, she had been simply seeing a tiny version of Shizuru kneeling at the entrance to greet her and whisking tea briskly in a bowl before serving it to Natsuki with a well-bred smile.

Yet, what she had met with, was a bright-eyed, dark haired girl with a dirt-smudged face throwing open the door. Hana's face had visibly fallen when the person at the door had turned out to be a stranger, obviously expecting someone else. For a moment, Natsuki had been convinced she had the wrong household and this was an entirely different child. Then Akito had appeared to invite her inside with a tired smile.

Natsuki in truth, found herself fascinated by Hana. The way she smiled, the way she spoke, the way she moved. She was so…innocent and childish. Natsuki found herself wondering if Shizuru had ever made messy mud pies and laughed so freely; or if Shizuru had ever worn her heart so openly on her sleeve for everyone to see. Natsuki could not picture it at all. In fact, the idea of Shizuru playing in the mud made Natsuki snicker to herself helplessly.

"What's so funny?" Hana asked, setting down one of the pies and giving Natsuki a curious look. Natsuki simply shook her head and bit her lip to keep from laughing as the mental image of Shizuru serving mud pies with her tea kept flickering through her mind.

"Nothing, nothing," Natsuki said quickly. She looked around for a moment, and then decided to ask the question that had been gnawing at her. "Where's your Mother?"

Hana just smiled at her, shook her head, and then offered Natsuki a mud pie. There was the Shizuru within her, Natsuki thought with an almost sad smile. She felt a small twinge of guilt. She had not seen Shizuru since the last time they had fought, and Natsuki was starting to wonder if she had gone too far when they had fought. She sighed, and then declining the pie with the excuse of a full stomach, Natsuki stood up and decided to look around the gardens.

It was a well-kept flower garden. There were a variety of different colored rose bushes, all neatly trimmed. Elegant patches of petunias, lilies and other flowers Natsuki could not identify were also painstakingly arranged around the walkway paths. Trees dotted the garden as well, their wide encompassing leafy branches stretching out and lending shade to the area. It really did feel like Shizuru, Natsuki reflected, looking back to where Hana was enthusiastically pouring water from the can over her pies. As Natsuki turned again, her eyes were caught by a bright patch of pink amongst the dark red of a patch of roses. It was a very small patch of delicate pink flowers, which Natsuki could not name. She knew them though.

"Having fun?" Surprised, Natsuki turned around at the sound of Akito's voice. He had changed into more casual clothing, shedding the business suit for a short-sleeved shirt and khakis. She paused, unsure of how to respond. This entire meeting had not been going at all how she had planned or expected.

"She's very cute," Natsuki said doubtfully. Akito laughed at that, a warm laugh that Natsuki was also not expecting.

"She is. She reminds me a lot of Jun when he was little. Playful, curious and a load of trouble."

Akito smiled fondly in the direction of his niece, and Natsuki found herself entirely disconcerted by the situation. She was not sure how she was expecting the CEO to be. Despite having met him a few times before, she had thought he would be…colder perhaps, more stern and business like in regards to the situation.

"Why did you call me?" Natsuki asked, unable to control her curiosity anymore.

"Shizuru-san," Akito began to Natsuki's surprise, "tries to be a good person. You know this, don't you?"

"…what?" Natsuki mentally forced herself to stay calm, despite her surprise that Akito knew she was acquainted with his sister-in-law.

"Shizuru-san tries very hard to be a good person," Akito said again, then paused. "But she can not raise this child."

"I don't think I quite understand you," Natsuki said carefully, the glanced over at Hana. "Shouldn't we talk about this somewhere else?"

Akito followed her gaze, then frowned and nodded. A few minutes later, Natsuki found herself awkwardly seated in his study, Hana having been left with one of the members of the household staff. Natsuki had been surprised when Akito had telephoned her with the request that they meet at his house; then more surprised when he mentioned that it was in regards to Shizuru and even further surprised when he mentioned that Hana would be there.

"You and Shizuru-san went to high school together," Akito said and Natsuki raised an eyebrow that it was not a question, but a statement. He gave her a small smile, as if he could sense her wariness, then continued. "Yes, I know all this. If I only relied on one source of information, I would never have made a successful businessman. That is not the point, however."

"Then what is the point?" Natsuki never had much patience for lengthy, abstractive word games. How she ever had managed to spend all those years in Shizuru's company was totally beyond her comprehension.

"Do you know why Shizuru-san is living with me, instead of with her father?" Akito asked. Natsuki shook her head. It had been something she had been wondering about, yet the information she had managed to dig up had been vague at best. "I requested it. Begged actually. Yasunori-san is very protective of his daughter, and after Jun's death he wanted to keep her close. He refused me at first, saying that funding the Takasuka Corporation was receiving from the Fujinos would not change a bit because of Jun's death and there was no reason for her to stay, but I pushed the matter until he agreed."

"Why?" The information Akito was revealing confused Natsuki. She had been under the impression that most of this situation had come about for business reasons.

"Jun was my only brother," Akito said softly, clasping and unclasping his hands as he sat behind the desk. "Our family was not doing so well when the offer from Fujino Yasunori-san came. We desperately needed the support to continue our business, and Jun accepted the marriage offer, since he was young and I was not in a position to remarry."

"So?" Natsuki already knew this part and she was getting impatient. Shizuru was missing, Akito was rambling about the past and Hana was sitting in the garden playing with mud pies. It had been a long week and Natsuki was hoping to make some progress regarding the sticky situation.

"Jun and Shizuru had a professional relationship. They respected each other, but there was no love in that union and they both knew it," Akito said, then paused and smiled. It was a very wistful smile, and for a moment, Natsuki could see the pain of his brother's death very clearly in the older man's eyes, and how much it took for him to hide that. She almost felt sorry for him. Almost. "Hana was the only love in that family; Hana, whom both Shizuru-san and Jun adored. They could have made a family perhaps out of the love for their child, but then the accident happened."

"And now what? Because Jun is gone and you're suffering, you're going to take away Shizuru's happiness too? Is that it?" Natsuki asked bitterly as she stood up from the chair. She was irritated. Akito was seemed to be explaining things, but everything still made no sense to her.

"I promised Jun I would take care of his daughter. I meant it. I will see her raised in a happy household, and live a fruitful, normal life." Akito said firmly. He gave her a look that almost seemed like pity. "Do you consider yourself normal, Kuga-san? This…relationship you are engaging in with Shizuru-san? Shizuru does not even trust you enough to tell you about neither her child nor her past. Your relationship is hidden behind locked doors. Do you think this is healthy for Hana?"

Natsuki opened her mouth to hotly retort that it was none of his goddamned business, but the words then stuck in her throat. Despite how surprisingly comfortable Natsuki had become with the relationship, the truth was that Shizuru had not trusted her and Shizuru had not trusted their relationship.

"Hana is not Shizuru's happiness," Akito said softly then. "You are. Convince her to leave Hana with me and you two can live your lives together without any burden."

----

Pain was something Shizuru had become quite accustomed to. There were all sorts of pains she knew: the pain of wearing a mask almost constantly, the pain of how heavily the burdens of her expectations wore on her, the pain of unrequited love. Shizuru had thought that all those years ago when she had smiled at Natsuki, told Natsuki goodbye and finally locked away her heart deep inside her soul that she was done feeling pain. She had thought that nothing could have torn her more deeply than walking away then and knowing that she had hurt Natsuki once again with her filthy emotions.

She was wrong.

Loving Natsuki and being loved by Natsuki—being able to hold her, to run her hands along the smooth skin of Natsuki's back, to mark Natsuki's breasts with the heat of her kisses, to lie in bed and listen to the steady beat of Natsuki's heart—and knowing that it could never last hurt more than Shizuru could have possibly imagined.

"Your order, Miss." Shizuru smiled and thanked the florist who handed her a small potted plant, her reverie over. It was the sapling of a new hibiscus bush Shizuru planned to grow in her garden. She had thought that devoting herself to the garden would help take her minds off things, but instead she had found herself wanting to plant more hibiscus. So when they bloomed, she would have more of those pale, pink flowers that would bring to mind images of Natsuki.

The walk home was long, but refreshing. Shizuru kept her thoughts on a short reign. She had a life to lead, a daughter to care for and a brother-in-law to deal with. There was no time to dwell on matters that could not be helped. She would take Hana back to Kyoto soon, and request that all ties with the Takasuka Corporation be cut. Perhaps she would not have to remarry either, though it was a distinct possibility that her father would insist on it. There was no room for Natsuki in her life. Shizuru had chosen her daughter.

She noticed Hana's head peeking out the window when she returned to their yard, and the door soon burst open as her daughter came bounding out to greet her. Shizuru smiled and handed her the plant, telling her to take it into the gardens so they could plant it. Grinning, Hana agreed and bounded off.

As she watched her daughter dart off, a pair of familiar shoes sitting in the landing by their front door caught Shizuru's eyes. She froze slightly, and then examined them closer—dark sneakers, slightly scuffed and worn. Definitely Natsuki's. Shizuru quickly made her way to the garden, where Hana was setting down the sapling.

"Hana?" Shizuru questioned with a smile.

"Yes?"

"Does Akito-san have a visitor?" Hana nodded.

"Yeah, a pretty lady. She played house with me. Uncle Akito took her to his office though." Shizuru nodded, then smiled at her daughter and walked briskly towards Akito's office. She would end all of this now.

"…convince her to leave Hana with me and you two can live your lives together without any burden." Akito's voice floated through the cracked opening in his office door. Shizuru's hand paused a few inches from the doorknob.

It did not surprise her really, that Akito would want to take Hana away from her. Shizuru had suspected his intentions for a while. That he knew about Natsuki, that he would ask Natsuki's help though, that surprised Shizuru. She started to open the door when Natsuki's voice stopped her.

"No." There was no hesitation in Natsuki's voice, no wavering confidence. She spoke clearly and steadily. "How can you think that Shizuru sees Hana as a burden? She loves that girl. You said it yourself. If you think I'm going to try to help you ruin Shizuru's life, you're out of your mind."

"It's not ruining her life," Akito said wearily. "It's helping her be happy. Why else would she risk so much to be with you if it wasn't love?"

"She won't be happy without Hana either," Natsuki's voice had a stubborn edge to it. "Shizuru's relationships have nothing to do with how much she loves Hana, or how much she will care for her. I have nothing to do with that. Why does there even have to be a choice? "

Shizuru stood facing the door, her hand frozen over the knob. For a moment, she felt all her doubts, all her fears, all her reservations recede from the way Natsuki was fighting for her. Natsuki, whom Shizuru had tried so hard to push away and leave, yet continued to stay there and fight.

"Trust me." The voice in her mind was soft, comforting, relaxing—Natsuki's voice. After all they had been through, after all that had happened, was that all she needed to do to get through this?

Was it really that simple? Shizuru stared hard at the knob of the door. She saw Natsuki's smile, felt Natsuki's arms around her waist, heard Natsuki's voice whisper in her ear.

Shizuru opened the door.


	10. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

It's lunchtime, yet neither Natsuki, nor Hana are here yet. I suppose they got distracted on the way back from Akito-san's. Natsuki is terribly indulgent of Hana, so much so that I am almost afraid should Natsuki ever move in. Hana realizes this of course, with all the cunning that only a six-year-old child can possess and takes advantage of her mercilessly. I can curb her from time to time, but sometimes I find it far too adorable how the two of them interact and simply watch.

I still sometimes find it hard to believe that I can watch this—my life—and that it is real.

It was hard at first, of course. I had spent so long telling myself that loving Natsuki was wrong and twisted, that I could not begin to fathom how to walk the road set in front of me. Yet, there was Natsuki by my side to support me. Hana's cheerful smile and affection for her newly acquired playmate also served as great motivation. There was Akito too, of course, however slow he was to come around. I do not think I will ever like him, but I will be grateful for the aid he has given.

When I think of how many times I wrenched myself away from Natsuki, how many times I walked away, how many times I said goodbye, and then realize that I wake up now lying next to Natsuki, my exact feelings are hard to describe. Words fail miserably at conveying it.

I can only be grateful that despite everything, things did finally fall into place. I had been so set against it in my head, so stubbornly steadfast on the idea that people do not change.

Natsuki brought that up once a couple of weeks ago, teasingly, as though to show me that I had been wrong all along.

"It's not change," I had simply said with a smile. "It's Evolution."

---

Shizuru stood outside her house waiting and watching the road. They were late, which was normal, but it still seemed to irk her. A few more minutes passed before, to Shizuru's relief, she finally saw a figure walking down the sidewalk. All her irritation at their tardiness was forgotten at the sight of them. Hana was sitting on Natsuki's shoulders, grinning and waving her hands around enthusiastically as she told some story.

Hana practically vaulted off of Natsuki's shoulder when she saw Shizuru, running the rest of the way and throwing her arms around Shizuru's waist.

"Mommy, mommy! Guess what? There were puppies in the park when we were coming back from Uncle Akito's house and Natsuki let me pet them!" Hana gushed enthusiastically.

"Natsuki-_san_," Shizuru correctly gently, patting Hana on the head.

"But Natsuki said it was okay," Hana pouted. "She said she doesn't like being called Natsuki-san."

Shizuru raised an eyebrow in Natsuki's direction. The other woman averted her eyes surreptitiously. Shizuru smiled then, then crouched down slightly so she could speak with Hana face to face.

"Well then," Shizuru said thoughtfully. She paused for a long moment. "How about Natsuki-mama?"

"Mama!"

The look on Natsuki's face, Shizuru thought then with a smile, was just about worth everything they had gone through.

End 


End file.
